Strange reversal

After three kids, I am used to nighttime visitors. Which kid it is has varied over the years, but there is often someone in need of comfort in the night. John, though, has always been the most independent sleeper. That is not to say, he is the best at falling asleep, or staying asleep, or even staying in his own bed. But he has always shown the most preference for sleeping alone.

James - we moved him from our bed to his own twin around 18 months, I think. Jeremy had finally had enough of being crowded, and slept with him in the twin for a while until he got the hang of it. After that, he did pretty well - we have only had the occasional visit from him over the years, after that. However, he does like company. He likes to have someone lie down with him while he talks at bedtime. When he is sick or scared, he still slips into our room at night occasionally. He has always been the most nightmare-prone of our kids, and sometimes just needs to be in the room with us.

Maggie - around 12 months old, Maggie got moved out of our bed, I think. I can't recall if we never set the crib up for her at the new house, or if she just didn't like it or climbed out, but I recall a period of time where we put her to bed on the floor. We spread a quilt on the floor of her room, right behind the door, laid her in bed, and shut the door. She screamed and cried, and moved to the quilt, and within 5-10 minutes put herself to sleep crying on the quilt. We would then gently nudge the door open and plop her in bed for the night. It sounds a bit cruel now, but as I recall, she would not fall asleep with company. She needed to be left alone to cry. And, related or not, she is the best of any of the kids now at falling asleep - can do it on a dime. Which is not to say that she hasn't had her moments over the years, as well. When I was working full time (while she was two) she showed her lack of mommy time at night. She slept on our floor, next to me, almost every night. And, she still, at age 6, regularly wakes up Jeremy to escort her to the bathroom at night. We can sometimes prevent that by leaving the bathroom light on all night, but that seems extreme, too. (And besides, she is very well-trained to wake Jeremy and not me - gets it right 97% of the time, even when traveling or when we have switched sides of the bed. She learned this important trick while I was pregnant with John and needing my sleep - Jeremy got night duty with the oldest two.)

John - now he was a different story. After two kids who liked sleeping with us as infants, and did very well, I just assumed that was how we would do things. But John never settled well in our bed. He tossed and turned and couldn't get soundly asleep. Finally, around 6 months old, I tried laying him down in his (rarely used) crib. I sang him one song, he flopped over on his belly (he didn't get the memo on SIDS, I guess), tucked his feet up underneath him, stuck his behind in the air, and fell contentedly asleep. And that was where he stayed for quite some time. In fact, he slept on his own, in his crib, until he started climbing out routinely (around 18 months, maybe?) and we switched him to a twin bunk. Sure, he still came to our bed to nurse at night, but when done eating, he squirmed enough to make us all crazy until one of us returned him to his own space.

Unfortunately, all the parenting advice out there on bedtime issues say not to put a kid in a bed before age 3, since they can't understand the idea of the "imaginary" boundary to stay in bed. Thus, they need a crib. What then, to do with a 1 or 2-year-old who can't understand the non-imaginary boundary of a crib and tries to climb repeatedly to his death? So, we fought many a fight of putting him back in his bunk over the last few years, but always before he is asleep for the night. Once asleep, he only occasionally joins us in our bed. When he does, it is clearly for a reason, usually that he needs to be woken up enough to use the toilet, or he is cold. If we fix the problem, he will happily return to his own bed.

So last night was a strange experience for me. I had fallen asleep for an hour just before dinner, which totally messed up my sleep for the night. I invited Jeremy to watch Dr. Who with me, since I knew I wouldn't be early to bed anyway, and that is the only TV/video he will generally agree to watch if I want company. Unfortunately, this turned out to be one of the more horror-flick style episodes, and I share James's tendency to nightmares. So now, it was late, my sleep cycles were off, my pregnancy hormones were contributing to insomnia, my head cold was keeping me awake, and I had horror-film nightmares popping up every time I started to drift off. Not such a good night for sleeping.

Many hours into this semi-sleep misery, our door popped open. (It is hard to ignore now that the bathroom light blares in as soon as it opens.) In walked a silent John. No words, no fuss. He just marched up to the bed, peeled back the quilt, and slid in beside me.  He showed no apparent signs of his usual complaints - wouldn't use the bathroom and didn't feel cold. He just snuggled up to me and started snoring. This, from the kid who always wants to sleep alone? And yet, I soon drifted off myself, and for the first time all night, without any Dr. Who nightmares! When I woke it was morning, and I felt wonderful for having had several uninterrupted hours of sleep. Even more wonderful because I hadn't actually been crowded by John. At some point, he had put himself back in his own bed, where he was sleeping peacefully.

It made me wonder about the stories I hear of cats or dogs who can sense pain or illness in their owners, and just lie next to the hurt spot, apparently "willing" health back to their humans. It was like John sensed my nightmares from the next room, came in to comfort me, suceeded (!), and, his work done, plodded back to his own bed for the rest of the night. So much for mommy, the comforter. I needed a 3-year-old last night. Thankfully, I had one.