Mom Guilt

 I started this post nearly a year ago, in May 2015. It still seems eerily relevant.

Some things that I will someday regret about my parenting, in no particular order:

1. When my kids asked me to take them swimming, I said no simply because I hadn't shaved my legs recently.
2. Yelling.
3. Watching my kids play instead of playing with them.
4. Staying up for an extra hour of "me" time - meaning I was crabby with the kids all the next day.
5. Not closing my screen and looking them in the eye when they were talking to me.
6. Not closing my screen the instant they walked in the door from school, no matter how much that email message seemed to call to me.
7. Turning my disappointment in myself into anger at them. ("Mom, have you done (whatever) yet?" "NO! Quit nagging me! I can't do everything immediately!")
8. Getting angry with a child who was crying over "nothing" when they were really crying over something - just something different than the apparent thing (usually being tired, hungry, or scared).

Now that it is one year later, I thought about adding to the list, but this seems to sum it up pretty well. I feel guilty about my parenting due to my tendency to be: selfish and/or short-tempered. I guess that should sum up guilt in many other venues as well. 

Introducing ... Elizabeth!

Well, I am once again on maternity leave. That should give me some quality time in a chair, nursing, which will sometimes give me time to blog again. I see it is about time - only one post in the past year.

Introducing our newest joy:

Elizabeth Jewett VanAntwerp

Day One: Elizabeth and Mom a few hours after birth

Born March 16, 2016 at 4:10 AM
7 pounds 0 ounces (40th percentile, newborn girls)
20 inches long (80th percentile, newborn girls)

With our Labor and Delivery team. Dr. Rinzler (closest to Jennifer) has been Jennifer's obstetrician for 17 years, but this is the first child she was able to deliver. She might have cheated a bit this time, by scheduling my induction for the night when she was on duty at the hospital. Next to her is her OB resident and in front is my nurse, Jamie.

By her second day (still in the hospital, Tuesday morning) you can start to get a sense of what she will look like. 

Day two, in her hospital bassinet

Elizabeth was down to 6 pounds, 9 ounces at 24 hours after birth. However, at 1 week old, she had surpassed her birth weight, measuring 7 pounds 1 ounce.

John's Poetry (2nd grade)

At conferences last week, we enjoyed reading some of the poetry John has been writing in school. I debated whether to share with you his spelling, but for clarity, I have corrected it here. I enjoyed his sense of the unexpected. I expect the Haiku bug displayed by Jeremy and James will come out in this one soon, also.

John chose "Computer" as his favorite; I especially liked "Inside My Heart." Hope you find one to enjoy as well.

Computer

I sit
down
Type
Type
Type
Beep NO!
That's the
self
destruct
button 5,
4, 3, 2, 1
Do you want a
smoothie?
I guess that's not the self-destruct button.

Quest

Sent

out to find

a treasure

Shiny as a diamond

hard

as a rock but

beware for there

are obstacles on 

the way

A Food Fight can be...

A mess

Ouch! That was

A stale piece of

Bread

Fun hey!

That 

Was my banana

Slippery

Inside my heart

Inside my heart lives

One fluffy dog

Two sisters

Three plates of food

Four swimming lakes

Five paint ball games

Six books to read

Seven camping trips

And a world

Full of love

Adapted from Zoe Whitte's poem, "Inside my heart"

New York Biking

Flashing through

The city past 

Buildings, stores, and

All types of 

Things.

People

People

Lots

of poeple

Smash!

I think I'd

Rather bike in the country.

Icicles

Icicles are 

Hanging with

An 

Icy

Grip.

They glitter

In the

Sunshine.

Drip,

Drop,

Drip,

SPLAT!

Shell

A giant

staircase

going 

up to the 

kingdom

Knights standing

guard in the 

palace it's only

a

shell.

How does Helen's mind work?

Is it being three, or is it being Helen? This is a story that really should have photo illustrations, but like all the best stories, they happen before a camera can be procured.

I had just gotten home from work and was ready to put on some "mommy" clothes. While stripping work clothes, I was keeping up a conversation with Helen. I usually do this, just so I can keep tabs on where she is and what she is up to.

"Helen, what do you think I should put on today?" [For the record, rhetorical questions are a terrible idea with a 3-year-old. Since I already knew what I wanted to wear, I was just asking for trouble.]

"Nothing," Helen replied, matter-of-factly but in a tone that tolerated no argument.

"Hmm...then how can I leave the house after lunch to go to the store and buy groceries?" I asked, thinking I had an airtight case. But Helen was not to be so easily cowed.

"Let me think..." she offered, playing for time.

Since I was getting cold, I wasn't sure how long I could wait on the whims of a 3-year-old. "Umm, I think I will just put my jeans on."

"No!" Helen shrieked, alarmed. "Let me think!" She sat down on the edge of my bed, head bowed and face covered by both hands. "Quiet, please..." she muttered at me in an irritated tone. I didn't realize it then, but she was still hard at work on my question - how to put nothing on, and yet get to the store to buy groceries.

After a pause long enough to leave me shivering, she looked up. "I've got it! Dad will make the house fly!"

Umm...huh? "Okay, how will he do that?"

"He can put feathers on it!" (Duh!)

While I spent the next few minutes figuring out that a flying house was her solution to get to the store without leaving the house, she started nagging..."When (oh when!) will Daddy get to the feather store?"

There is nothing quite like the literal mind of a 3-year-old. Or is it Helen?

Baby birds learn to fly

From outside the nest, it seems that a baby bird learns to fly almost all at once. There is just a helpless chick, then one day a chick stretching and flapping her wings, and then the next day the nest is empty. 

But now I know, a baby bird learns to fly in uncountable different steps, most happening so rapidly that we only discover them when we look backward. 

Some steps are tearful, 

Credits: imgarcade.com

some are jubilant, 

Credits: urbanpeek.com

some are barely perceptible. 

Credits: wallpaperhere.com

The only truly common denominator is that all are bittersweet. How is it that my own baby bird could be cruising down the sidewalk on her own 2-wheeled bike, faster than I can keep up walking, while I still have her toddler seat attached to my bike? Since I somehow missed the obvious time to remove it, I may just keep it, now. Bittersweet.

Writer's Block is a drag, but so is writer's overload

Could it really be almost 5 months since my last post? Such radio silence is usually reflects a complex situation...too busy to post, or not busy at all (meaning undisciplined with my time). Nothing to say, or too much to say (so I don't know where to start).

Whatever the case, it seems that the words pressure is building. In the past week, I have frequently found myself composing in my mind. The only cure for this is to start writing things down. And yes, I must cure it, because otherwise I become increasingly, and dangerously, internally focused. At some point, I have to quit writing stories in my head and start taking care of life again. So... my goal is to write a bunch over the next few weeks. I hope life cooperates with that.

Time to post again

Which is the prettiest flower in our yard?

Helen chooses all her own clothing these days. 9/10 days, that will be a dress.

Wow, it has been two months since my last post?!? That is a good sign, in this case, that we have been busy cramming lots of fun into our last weeks here in Massachusetts. We had visitors in April (first the Wunder family for a week, then Grandma Di, Grandpa Glen, and Grandpa Tom). We have done something every weekend in May, and the kids are starting to get busy at school, too, with end-of-year things.

I have lots of photos in the first few June posts of the older kids doing stuff for school, so I will first put a few photos of Helen in here, so that you don't forget about her!

Mostly, Helen is too busy to sleep these day. But even superheros need a break once in a while. While Grandpa Tom was here, he was happy to demonstrate for Helen.